whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
