Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
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sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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