when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
