dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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