theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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