I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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