Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
