I wish I could teleport
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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