I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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