Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
