you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
