i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
