Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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