Already got asked if we're dating
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
