he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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