Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
A+ Viking dick
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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