Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
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I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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