Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
