I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize
