I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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