Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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