I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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