my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
