I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
