Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i came on her dog
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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