a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
