This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
