The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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