I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
