I heard we made out
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
