No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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