i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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