the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We need to rekindle our bromance
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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