my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
