miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
