i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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