Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
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Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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