ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
