he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
