When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
