A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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