Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
