Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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