is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
