I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
