I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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