Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
