there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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