shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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