You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I wear drunk well.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
