i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
