I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
