Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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