I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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