Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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