I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Found your dick twin last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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