first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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